I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
