Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
