Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
