Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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