There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
