I hate all girls vehemently.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
