Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
