Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
