Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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