I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
