she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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