4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I need to stop coming to work sober
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
it's like iHOP with fire
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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