Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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