Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
two words: eviction party
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
