Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
