I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
you had me at cake vodka
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
