Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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