i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
