Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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