im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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