he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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