gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
