you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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