No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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