Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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