I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
