Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
