The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
