think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
