bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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