I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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