Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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