we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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