I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
