she kept yelling 'call me bella'
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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