just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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