Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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