you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
