this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
