Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
