Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
