You really coming over, don't trick.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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