On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
