i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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