so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
