It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
