I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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