i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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