I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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