If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I have fence marks all over my body
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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