i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
